Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
