he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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