he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
