she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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