you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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