if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize