We won't sleep together?
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
