I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
