I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
