sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
