You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize