Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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