guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
