We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
