got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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