Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize