He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
