Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
