i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
