I'm so fucking centered right now
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
