I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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