my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
