She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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