i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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