Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
