I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
