New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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