Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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