So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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