so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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