Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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