I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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