NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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