I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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