Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
