I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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