Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
