Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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