dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
