R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
