I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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