I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
