I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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