Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
