good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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