Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Success! We fucked roommates!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
