You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
