i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
