Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
