First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
