my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize