just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
