I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
