Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
