Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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