wanna go halves on a baby?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
