this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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