dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
