fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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