you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You left your phone here
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