You smell like a Billy Joel song
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize