So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
