I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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