The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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