Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
