My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
