I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Green mimosas i think yes
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
