he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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