I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
