Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
